With my bear hands! Bear ass naked.

Id start humping his leg like a dog in heat. confused by my moves…the bear would be the one trying to escape.

I would pull my pants down, that’s scared a few monsters of in it’s time.

First I would climb a tree, then run down a hill. Seeing as both those options are not a good way to get away from a bear and definitely not by any means a good way of fending off a bear. I would do this..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OkDGZVyUkOQ

And instead of walking away.. I would shred away

I would catch my feet and play cat and mouse with him or just stand still and not looking him into his eyes depends on my self-confidence in this moment ^^

Simple…outrun the slow guy.

I would share half of the keg that i happen to be carrying with me in the forest with the bear. Then, when the bear is nice and drunk, i would kill it for drinking half of my fucking beer.

Simple, I have a voice like an angel. I would sing his big butt to sleep. Believe it!

I would give it a pic-a-nic basket. It would open it (because he’s smarter than the average bear) to discover that there’s actually no food in it: do you honest think I have the kind of money to be feeding a bear!?

He’d laugh about it though, and then he’d let me put a saddle on him and ride him around the forest. I’d name him Clive. I’d feed him grilled cheese sandwiches.

My mother wouldn’t approve though, she’d say he’s a bad influence. But what does she know?

I love Clive.

I AM A Woods Man, So me and the Bear Would already be buds, So I would give him a High Five and then we would make a campfire. After we were done BS’ing He would pull out his acoustic guitar and we would jam to “Kumbayah”.

id show him a picture of my ex-girlfriend. Trust me, he would run.

i would show him my tits. There so ugly he would die

I would start jerking off then blow a load right in the bears eye, blinded by the jizz i would skip off into the woods!!

I would do a ninja throw to tha bear with my board. The sharpenned edges will kill him… So when I get home, I shout, I BROUGHT DINNER!!!

First let me say, I don’t see bears in the forest. They see me.
After the inital shock of the sighting, they go find their bear friends to prove to them my exsistance. An argument breaks out between them when deciding who is going to approach me. They have so many questions, but everything just comes out as,”Growwwwwwwl.”
But the bears know……..I speak bear.
After they’re done explaining what huge fans they are, they all want to know the same thing.
How did you become such a great snowboarder?
To which I respond,”Growwwwl growlll grooowl growl g-growl.”

Some may ask why I would share such a profound secret with bears?
To which I respond,”So they wouldn’t eat me stupid! They’re bears!”

If a grizzly bear threatened to eat me I would pull a Chuck Norris move. I would show the bear my fist and the bear would proceed to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.

True story – I was 16 years old, living in Haines, Alaska with my family. We literally lived at the “end of the road” along the ocean. We would hunt black and brown (grizzly) bear at the edge of our property where the mountain came down to the sea.

One summer night we were spotlight hunting and a large griz was in the trees across the small cove from the cabin. We took a shot, hit it, and watched it run into the deep brush. Deciding against suicide (chasing a wounded brown bear in the dark), we waiting until morning to go after it.

In the AM dad and I jumped in the canoe, let the dogs loose on the beach and followed them from the water as they tracked the bear. We could hear them moving through the brush and motored along slowly as they worked the side of the mountain. Suddenly all hell broke lose and dad told me to beach the canoe on the rocks in front of us. He jumped out with a 12 gauge shotgun and told me to stay put, and told me to get the hell out of dodge if the bear made an appearance on the beach. The dogs had found the wounded bear, and being the cowards they were, ran away – right down the mountain to us!

The dogs cleared the heavy brush in front of us yipping and howling, made the beach and split, running their asses off. The bear was right behind them. Dad yelled for me to get clear, shouldered the shotgun and starting dumping 00 buck and slugs into the bear as it came out of the alders 25 yards away. His last shell dumped the grizzly onto it’s face less than 15 feet away. Dad put down the shotgun, un-holstered his .44, walked up to the bear and put one in it’s ear. Cool as a cat outside in December.

I sat in the canoe, wide-eyed and frozen, trying to remember how to breath. This was the first of quite a few memorable bear encounters while growing up hunting moose, caribou and deer in Alaska (while snowboarding every season!).

How would I escape? Make sure dad’s icy veins and arsenal are close by, and leave the damn dogs in the truck.

It’s going to depend on the kind of bear. There’s different strategies for black bears and grizzlies. If it’s a grizzly, I better have a gun or play real dead. That thing is gonna chase me and catch me. And yeah it can climb trees. If I escape it’s probably because a grizzly had a heart attack or I was wearing a ‘bear proof outfit’ like the one Troy Hurtubise used.

At the zoo, a man once said that you should take out your knife and unzip a bear like a jacket. This man was an idiot and in no way worked for a zoo. Don’t get it confused. Unfortunately because bears aren’t humans, I can’t just reason with one. I can usually weasel my way out of getting beat up, but in this case, I don’t bank on that being a good approach. So, I have a couple options. One is to run in an indirect manner hoping to fool the bear a bit. Also, I need to somehow scare the bear. Is there anything scarier than the music of Celine Dion. For my money there isn’t, so I better remember some of those lyrics and try to work the bear into some sort of trance like state with my vocal range. If that doesn’t work, I’m gonna hiss and growl. That’s sort of how every escape ever ends for me.

This summer I learned a game from Boogie called: Bear, Cowboy, Ninja. at High Cascade Snowboard Camp on Mt. Hood.

Rules are:
1. stand back to back.
2. the cowboy shoots the bear, the bear is stronger then a ninja and the ninja assassinates the cowboy.
3. jump around to each other and show: pistols, claws or kung fu snake style.

So I’ll show that bear my pistols and the board is mine ;)

Obviously I’d be DEEP in the Utah backcountry a bear comes up and fronts me I’d do what any one would do and that’s get on my high stance but my arms up and act like the bear, I mean what grizzly would hurt it’s own kin, let alone a cute one like myself. After this I would lure the bear to bed( not in a sexual way) in mid sleep I’d have to betray the bear and leave the Deep backcountry of Utah, which of course would break that bears heart.

I would strap on my new rossignol snowboard and make my way through the the most glorious tree run of my life because this could be my last run ever so I would have to.make it count. If the bear caught up to me I would turn on my ninja skills and turn that bear into a chipmunk with one giant kick to the face!! Than I would tame the bear and make it my personal back country explorer. While everyone aroubd me has snowmobiles ill well have a glorious bear that well love me uncoditionally through all times!!

I can talk bear cause I’m just that much of a beast. So I’d say “Woah Bear, how about we go grab lunch some place like a good poutine at a ski rsort, then we head off to the hills and snowboard !?” Obviously, he would accept and we would go off riding ! I would ride the Retox Amptek and he could borrow my old and super wide Burton since bears probably have big feet. We would become great friends and no harm would be cause to me or him ! We would finnish the day off with a cold Pabst Blue Ribbon beer in front of a campfire in a wooden loge, reading the latest SNOWBOARDER.

Contest ends 2/17/12? I need more time, i wrote BEAR grylls an email and asked for advice…

Swiss army knife….. I would pull out the tooth pick and stab it in the temple. Then I would do a squats call to help drag it to the bbq. Really not a big deal

I am guessing it’s a polar bear. I usually carry a coke with me to give my old ass an extra kick on the mountain. (Gotta be careful opening it though) Since they apparently love Coke, based on the commercials, I’d just throw throw it one and hopefully be on my way. If not, and I had this board, I would just hold it up in front of me so it would think I was another bear and hopefully the “liquid” running down my leg would be enough to mark my territory and make it go away.

I’d snap its neck, rip its head off and wear its head around like a god damn boss…while making the rick ross “uhhh” noise

i would strap a bear banger on the front toes of my boots then when i chuck double corks grabbing mute i could reach down and bang the horn. if that bear dont leave, good thing i just got my edges sharpened because this board is spinning around right for the bears noggin. watch out yogi!

Hey man a snowboard can make a great weapon, and if my run in with the bear doesnt come equip with a snowboard i’ll kick it in the nutz and run!

I would just send a telepathic message to the bear reversing his instinct to attack me to an instinct to be friend me. Then I would hop on his back and I would ride him around like a horse. We would then proceed to have a legendary friendship, if we became good enough friends I would teach how to snowboard.

Aight, so if we’re talking about a bear, there is only one way to escape it. Either your going to scrap it out, or you are going to run for your life. Personally i would have to see how big the bear is, and what weapons i have. If it is big im dippin’ the hell out.

I would tell the “bear” in question that I am flattered, but I’m not interested. Just because I’m a big guy with a beard and good fashion sense doesn’t mean that I swing that way.

Being that I was in a place where bears are, I would definitely have some Mary Jane, and the Governor (by Smith and Wesson) with me. Standing in front of a bear that is sizing me up, like they always do before they attack, I would try to make the best of it by sparking a spliff and blasting away. I am not a hunter and would have only killed the bear to survive, but I would not waste any part of the bear. I would carve it up and end up with an authentic bear snowboarding suit, a bear claw necklace, bear steaks and jerky, bear bone tools and fertilizer for my mom’s garden. Then I would have to go out and get some king of a bear tattoo, not sure what yet, but that would have to happen, perhaps some sort of R.I.P. Smokey.

I’d chase him down on my buffalo!

Why would I fend off a beer? Oh! you meant bear, I would give her some pepper, bears love pepper. Or was that a different animal…

First, I would call up my buddies Bruce Lee and The Undertaker. Then I’ll get out my Jack Hawk 9000 that I bought at Wal-Mart. Bruce Lee will do some karate on that bear and make him all groggy. When this happens the Undertakers gonna use his choke slam on this bitch and pin him. Then I’ll use my Jack Hawk 9000 and slit the bears throat, chop him up and make some bear burgers for a job well done.

When worse comes to worse, break out the bag-o-jokes. “What did the Grizzly Bear say to the Polar Bear? You’re Un-Bearable.” Baddah bing baddah bang, hey.

You throw a flashbang into his cave so he runs out. Now he’s stunned and unaware. Jump off the top rope, Barrett .50 Cal, Double Cork no scope, head shot. Then you drink his blood, giving you the strength of a bear. Then you go back to Iowa and kill it on the small amounts of snow there.

with a hand behind my back to make it fair

First, I give him a present so he thinks I’m nice , then we be friends and we go to Disneyland but Disney were closed so we go to Bear mountain , we shred all day and in the we see bear’s mother and then the bear be happy and never want to hurt human again.

*Phone Rings* “Bear old chap, would love to stay and chat, but I really must take this call. Awfully sorry”

Then run like shit.

Well, he has a red shirt on. He’s obviously Winnie the Pooh. So since I carry honey everywhere I go, I could give that to him. We would basically be friends by then. (duuuh.)

just kick him in the balls than round house him in the face that should get’r done

Pee in a circle around myself, creating an invisible protective sphere in which i would hold my Bear Hug pose waiting to attack

i would feed him some mushrooms so he can jump out of the board and ride it himself with me everywhere terrorizing the GAPERS.

I don’t always escape bears (I prefer to stay and fight) but when I do I use Travis Rices’ gear that I carry in my K2 Sentinel Backpack, which mind you I only bought thanks to Snowboarder Mags Golden Seal of Approval. Obviously the bear would notice who’s beautiful Lib Tech board and sexy Quicksilver pants I had and we’d make an even trade, he gets the gear and I continue the shred because as we all know, it remains.

I would probs yell at him and tell him to go away, if he didn’t. I’d just yell at him some more.

It has always been a dream of mine to fend off a bear with a bone knife, maybe ill die maybe i wont but someday im going to kill a bear with a bone knife!

The way I would fend off a bear would be with my fists, I’d sucka punch him right is bear balls and ride him like a board down the mountain doing methods all over the shop

I would run to the nearest tree, conveniently find Chuck Norris there and have him chop the tree into a snowboard so I could ride down the mountain to safety as he held the bear back with the power of his beard. Haha

hes just hungry so i would suggest we shred down the mountain and i’d buy him some grub from the local dinner then we’d pick up some honey’s then go shred the pow then hang out at his place with the honey’s and lots of beers,smoke and a bon fire

well im really hairy and that is obviously a female bear so i would just get naked and the she would think i was a guy bear and ……uuuuuhhhh awkward

i would juke the bear and peace outttttt…and when im not doing that u can always catch me on Snowboardermag.com

Much Love and stay SHreddin!

I would escape my bear encounter by playing him/her “I Will Always Love You” by Whitney Houston via my MP3 player. That alone would kill virtually any bear alive, thereby allowing me to escape to listen to the Deftones.

I would put on a pair of those sweet leopard/zebra print women’s Shaun White collection pants and I think that would about do it.

I’d give the bear that Rossignol board he always wanted.

The first rule of escaping a bear is situational awareness. For example, if I ran into the bear featured on the Rossi Retox Amptech board, I would know he is a French male brown bear (ursus actos) from the Pyrenees looking for some female bear action. The t-shirt with the French cock on it is a dead give away of his nationality, the cock is to the French what the bald eagle is to Americans. There are only about 20 French Brown bears left in the wild and they all live in the Pyrenees. I assume that he got the blond tiger high highlights in order to impress the ladies. France’s first lady Carla Bruni-Sarkozy is a big fan of the brown bears, as a former model she may have suggested the highlights to improve his mating chances. Whatever you do don’t speak Slovenian, a couple years ago wildlife officials imported some Slovenian female brown bears to help the French bears get some action, so now the bears think of Slovenian as the language of love, crazy huh! To keep the bear calm you may want to offer him some liqueur like Chartreuse, its sweet, strong, and made from flowers and herbs that bears like to eat. I would be generous with the Chartreuse because while the monks that sell the stuff say its an elixir of long life, it taste foul to me. Remember because male brown bears can weight around 700 lbs., you will want him to be drinking a lot more than you, just be glad you didn’t run into the Spanish brown bear because they can really drink. At this point slowly back away from the bear, wish him “bonne chance” with the ladies and get the hell out of there.

I would grab a jar of honey and roll it down a hill. The bear wouldn’t stand a chance.

I would follow by example from Without a Paddle… “Get in the fetal position!”

I’d throw whatever food I had away from me but nearby the bear, then play dead.

If i had a crew with me all i have to do is run faster than one of them or sley the bear with a backside 720 off the tree jib i just made sliceing his juger with my edge then procced to safety

I would sing the song bearforce1(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=twQlpFrm5iM) with the corresponding dance.
This can lead to one of these two reactions:
Reaction A:
the bear is a straight bear and runs away as fast as he can, which is the only right reaction to this song…
Reaction B:
the bear is a gay bear, which brings you into even greater trouble because singing this song would make you a suitable mating partner….
But hey what was that saying again?! “If we want authenticity, we’ll have to initiate it “

Dress up like Ranger Smith of Jellystone Park

I would invite my loser, non rent paying, lazy sack of turd roommate for a day on the slopes(for which i would be paying for), soak his 1980′s outerwear in bear vagina juice (thus attracting male bear), and leave him for dead. The End

with an arrow to the knee, bro.

with a bearhugkungfugripsuckerpunch360suplexbacklfip of course!

call Chuck Norris, he would show the bear his fist then the bear will eat itself because it would be a less painful way to die.

If a bear encountered me I would jump up and d

I would sacrifice a woman and throw her at the bear!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=szFO7Wo7ZCE.

As a respectable member of modern society, I would first attempt to the reason with said bear. A little known fact about bears, given the right circumstance, bears are quite fond of smooth jazz and red wine. I would then realize that I have neither of these things and resort to plan b: beat the fuck out of that bear with my bare hands and ride it like Abraham Lincoln. After overpowering and domesticating the bear, I would feel it appropriate to name him something sweet like Skullcrusher or Bitchbeater. I would then ride Bitchbeater into the sunset, forever free of all worry and anxiety, for I am that man: The Man Who Rides Bitchbeater the Bear.

Put on a 15ft giant salmon costume and chase it with a stick :0)

Age old question: Does a bear $h!t in the woods??
I’d give him the new Snowboarder Magazine and tell him to go find a nice place to take a $h!t in the woods!

Fetal position, come on who hasn’t seen without a paddle. DB Cooper represent!

Obviously the best way to get away from a bear would be to occupy him with an issue of snowboarder magazine and quickly make a run for it down the mountain. I mean once you pick an issue up its gonna be a while before you put it back down.. perfect get away plan!

stand ina crucufix son! scare them demons rat out…

I would be that one guy in the lift line that ALWAYS slaps his board and looks like an idiot, hoping it would be loud enough to scare it away.

If I did not have the Rossignol Retox, I would be hopeless against an attacking bear. With the Retox, however, I would hide behind the board and the wild bear would be instantly scared off by the ferocious, bloodied bear on my deck’s topsheet. So basically, the Retox would not only help me shred, but it would also save my life.

i would perform a Flying Squirrel. the bear would so impressed it would smash its paws together signifying my awesomeness.

boardslide the motherfucker and pray i dont catch an edge

i would use my use my recently acquired bear skills considering during the summer i had 4 different close encounters with black bears. in order to fend it off i would stare it in the eyes telling it i mean no harm and i would stay still. if that didnt work throw a distracting object at i and run/bike like hell

If I were to encounter a bear I would treat like an average person that I come into contact with. Most likely I would be tearing up on the slopes so in that case I would offer the bear to join me in my adventures. I would then assist him with getting fitted with my for his snowboard gear and teach him the basics of learning to snowboard. As I did I believe he would catch on quickly and we would be having the time of our life. After a long day of riding we may have a few drinks at the bar inside the lodge and talk about the day and what we could do next time. So overall that is how I would treat a bear if I were to encounter it.

Basicly I would:

– Shit myself in the pants!!!!!!!!!
– If he engages kick him in the nuts or slap him in the face with my snowboard.
– If that won’t work I’d take a grab in my pants and fling my poo in his eyes
– If that won’t work I’d cry and hope the bear is not interested in poo smeared meat!

I’d kick him in his furry bear dick

let it OD on sleeping pills and honey

first i would get in the fetal postion and wait to see what it would do. then if it tried having its way with me, i would throw that damn bear toielt paper at it and yell at it for never calling or helping to pay for child support. its also my birthday friday the 17th and a snowboard would be a lovely gift

if i was to encounter a bear in the woods, i would promptly 360 to decapitation.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pa1pIO4_lUY

I would sick my terrifying 2 year old on ‘em. Her resume is quite impressive. She’s already beat the boogeyman’s arse, some coyotes, and some caimans. She would “boom boom” him with her ab-DOMINALS

If I encountered a bear it would probably be because I was snowboarding with my new Rossignol Retox Amptek board in its natural habitat. If he charged at me I would quickly unstrap my bindings and show the bear the exact swagged out bear replica of him. He would be so impressed by the graphic of this board that he would then want to start riding it. I would let him ride it but only for one run even though he said he’s never snowboarded before. With this imformation the reason why i let him ride the board was because I had faith in the true twin, wood 6420 core that it has. Also it is a intermediate to expert board so im sure this board is able to stomp a bunch of cab double cork 12′s over a 80 footer or even just a switch 270 to 270 out of a flat bar. Anyways the bear would go on to stomp some mellow 3s, 5s and then skip up to a triple. the skill the board brings Ill let him keep that board and buy myself about 6 more because i like the board so much. all in all, the bear and I became friends, funny how a snowboard can make a bear go from wanting to eat me, to wanting to shred everyday…..but now the bear is professional and traveling to different countries and wont bring me. He didnt even thank me for the board that got him stomping tricks. :(

I think I’d put him on the board and push him down the hill.

Since the Rossignol Retox Amptek board is decorated with the image of a French Brown Bear, it would be a treat to use the new board in the French Pyrennes. The Brown Bear that lives in the French Pyrennes is now on the decline, so I would try real hard to be understanding. Also, the Brown Bear is mostly vegetarian and is likely hibranating during most of the snowboarding season. However,if I did run into one, I would first blow my bear whistle really loud to scare it off, throw it my bag of trail mix, then take off on my amazingly fast Rossignol Retox Ampek board. I suggest Rossignol donate some part of the sales of the board to the group that is trying to save the Frech Brown Bear. If I win, I will make a donation.

How would I fend off a bear? If in doubt I always think “What would Bear Grylls do?” Although he could fend off a real bear with his bare hands that’s not the best idea for a little snowbunny like myself to do. Knowing how Bear Grylls looks can tame me, I would lift up my snowboard and lull him with the bear motif and tame him lady-bear style!

There are only two things you need in any dangerous situation. Duct tape and Chuck Norris. I mean this is an easy one guys. You don’t have much time, this is a bear and you were just arguing with Chuck Norris about the perefect marshmellow temperature for your smores (obviously brown and sliding off the stick is the only way, it takes patience Chuck Norris, patience). So jump up find two solid sticks. Tape them together. BOOM! Nunchucks, now you have a chance. Pass those bad boys over to Chuck Norris. Watch them do battle for a few minutes before a quick dash for your board and the quickest path down the mountain. Seriously man, its a bear and if Chuck Norris can’t take something out you don’t want to wait around as desert.

fuck bears bro there scary i don’t hang around them, im not a flipping idiot, besides the bears couldn’t even win a single game without Gay Butler (Jay Cutler, who knows what will happen when Brian Urlacher ^^ gets taken out.

I would swear to the scare of seeing a bear.
Out of nowhere and no prepare..
There i would stare in bare despair
and prepare to tear my hair..

I forget i’m standing on a bear and totally unaware
that this is a feeling we share, Me and the Bear.

Step 1: Panick and scream at the top of my lungs.
Step 2: Use pepper spray and whack the bear with a snowboard.
Step 3: Run away and climb up a tree.

Stepo numero uno: Get some footage of the bear saying, “when im not mauling humans like crazy, im on snowboardermag.com
Step number b: uhh Run like frickin Crayzay and get the helll outa there.

When I have encountered them here in Montana, I have they do like GU energy gels. If I had a weapon to fend them off, it would be a huge knife like Crocodile Dundee’s. Thats one badass dude!!!!!

We would just hug it out. But if that fails.. ADOPT THE FETAL POSITION

I would scare a bear many ways. One way I would scare one is to show it a picture of chuck norris. Everybody is scared of him. I’ll get to the real part now. I would scare one by screaming on a mountain. This would cause an avalanche and the bear would run away. That is how I would scare a bear.

To scare off a bear, I would try to get really tall and look strong and stuff. I would back away slowly and thrown fire at it. Then, I would run away really fast screaming and throwing fire…I might burn down the forest…but at least I would be safe :)

I would look for the closest girl with golden locks and use her as an escape plan.

I would jump on the bear’s back and ride him like a pbr and then sit down and eat a bowl of honey nut cheerios with him, give him a hug, and walk away.

Who won this board?

Strap off, jump on to the bear, grab his brain with my hands(luckly i have gloves on so no bear brain under the nails later) and eat his brain! KABOOOOM DEADBEAR! xD